is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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