he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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