worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
