took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
