Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
