Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
