if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
