I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
