I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
