He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
