Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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