so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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