how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
