My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
