There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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