I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
