Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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