I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
