i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
