My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
