i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
