just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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