god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
