his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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