i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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