I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
