does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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