Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
