it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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