I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
