We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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