i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
