I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Barsexuality is the new black.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He did a backflip because drugs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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