we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
