Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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