so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
