Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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