You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
