DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
