P.S. I can't hear my feet
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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