I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
