Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
well you can't waste a boner
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
