You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
