Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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