take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
