Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
