bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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