Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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