By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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