I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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