It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You left your phone here
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